A Part of a Holy Constellation - IHM Associates

Speaking of Wisdom, the Tao te Ching (Book of the Way) says, “Approach and there is no
beginning; follow and there is no end. You can’t know it, but you can be it, at ease in your own
life. Just realize where you come from; this is the essence of wisdom.” Where we come from is
the heart of Jesus. We are part of the Christian tradition which has kept the light of prophetic
faith alive for over 2,000 years. Like the disciples before us, the light that shines in each of us
isn’t perfect. It is incomplete. At times it feels dim. At other times, we try to hide it. And yet,
when joined with the light of others, we become part of a holy constellation, reaching out to
dispel hatred, fear and violence.
In today’s Scripture, Isaiah reminds us that we are to be bearers of this light, saying, “Arise,
shine, for your light has come, and the glory of God has risen upon you.” We are to continue the
journey as bearers of the light. We are to be spotless mirrors of the workings of our God, actively
reflecting the light of Wisdom in our living and loving, in our words and actions, to our families
and friends, to strangers and enemies, at the center and margins of our lives. The light we are
called to bear is nothing less than the fire that purifies, cleanses and reduces injustice to ashes.
For it is the fire of holy Wisdom, against which evil cannot prevail.

This reflection is from Illuminating
the Passage Within: Advent Reflections 1998.
Nancy Small is a Pax Christi USA Ambassador of Peace and the former national
coordinator of Pax Christi USA

5th and Last Writing Assignment

Fears are simply the flip sides of desires.  You fear losing what you most desire.  So one of the best things you can do your yourself ever, not just in your writing, is figure out what you fear.  This will unlock all sorts of rooms inside you that have grown moldy and stuffy as you tried to ignore them.

Writing Exercise

Come up with more complete expressions of these statements - that is, look for desires or fears that may be lurking underneath the obvious words:

"I'm tired and would like to go home now."

I'm tired and would like to go home now, I desire peace and quiet.

I'm tired and would like to go home now, because my son has taken my car and not picked my up after work like promised.  Where is he, has something happened, why am I left to set and wait for him again.

I'm tired and would like to go home, now just to get away from real life and not have to deal with everything.

"Why am I being so bossy?"

Why am I being so bossy? because you won't listen and because you won't listen I fear you may get hurt.
Why am I being so bossy? because you keeping making bad decisions.
Why am I being so bossy?  because I am tired of being the strong one having to take care of things.

"What I really need is to go eat chocolate in some form."

What I really need is to go eat chocolate in some form because it is my comfort food that allows me to focus on it, the taste, the smoothness, the enjoyment of it and stop stressing over life.

"These are the house rules, and as long as you live here, you will abide by them."

 These are the house rules, and as long as you live here, you will abide by them.  How I wish you would, you have broken them so many times, they are useless to you and us now.  You seem to take delight in breaking the rules; to the point that if I don't remind you what they are, I have a better chance of you following them.

Finish these sentences: if you like, finish them multiple times.

"My life would improve so much if only. . . ."

. . . .you would grow up, realize your responsibilities are your responsibilities and quit looking to me to solve them for you.

 . . . .I could cut me emotions off and not feel anger when you walk into a room.

 . . . .I let you go from my life.

"When I have a few minutes to daydream, this is where my thoughts go . . . "

. . . .outside, in nature, a cool but sunny day sitting under a big tree in a comfortable chair reading.  The sounds of nature all around, birds chirping, animals scampering, slight breeze.  As the day goes along maybe a nice hammock to lay in.  As the sunlight peaks in and out of the leaves overhead  forcing your eyes to close, the gently rocking, an unhurried afternoon nap.

  . . . .walking a path through the woods, finding a creek meandering, places where the water forms a pool with a moss covered log at the edge to sit and contemplate nature in all her beauty.  Ground covered in leaves of many colors but the trees not having turned them all loose to fall to the ground yet.  Cool enough that you want a light jacket but warm enough that when walking you can take it off to wrap around your waist or shoulders.  The fish reflecting rainbow colors in the water as they come up looking for insects walking on the water.

. . . . if it has been a really stressful time, I like to close my eyes and go to the mouth of a cave in the middle of the woods, with rain falling outside.  Jesus and I sit there with a warm fire burning behind us, talking as we watch the storm go by until the thunder and lightening have moved off a great distance and the rain water is dripping from the leaves of the trees and branches.   Depending on the length of the conversation is the length of the storm and some times I have fallen asleep leaning against Jesus.

Prayer

I am trying to believe that Divine Desire is expressing itself through my life. But I need to get out of the way! I need to listen and be honest.  I need to honor my wants and follow them to their core.  I need to name my fears and stay in the same room with them until I know what to do.  Help!

4th Writing Assignment

Dear Circle of Grace Friends,
Please understand I am opening myself up in these writing assignments and trying to be as truthful as I can with myself in the hopes that not only will I learn something about myself; but that in sharing with you, others will realize the strength we gain by helping and praying for each other.

Writing Exercises

I call this the “unfolding” exercise. First, you write a paragraph about anything that’s on your mind. Just write, don’t think too much.

Thank God last night is over but how to face the day and carry on is the next hurdle I need to face.  I know a lot of 20+ children are living at home with their parents due to economics but somehow it just seems to me these are the people not wanting to work to get what they want.  Please understand I am only speaking from experience of two sons.  One 40+ now who when he lived at home quit school at 16 but did work; at least until his grandmother said he could live with her and not work.  She has passed on, left him nothing to live on; he lives with his cousin now and still doesn't work.  20+ son is following in his footsteps somewhat.  He did graduate from High school, unlike his brother, he did go to college but quit because he didn't like the teachers and wasn't showing up for classes.  Was working when in high school and making good money but hours are getting cut to very few due to not getting there on time, calling in with excuses for not being able to get there.  What do they have in common?

Now, read that paragraph and identify the one sentence that speaks to you most. Write that sentence at the top of a fresh page—and then write a paragraph from that sentence. You’re using the one sentence as sort of a root for a new paragraph.

Thank God last night is over but how to face the day and carry on is the next hurdle I need to face.   Lord I flash back to the Prodigal Son parable and how you are calling us to imitate you in this story when it comes to our children.  How hard it must have been (and still is) for you to have your children turn their face from you and live according to their rules instead of yours.  Thank you for the mercy you showed me when I did that.  Help me now as I go through what you must have gone through as my sons choose to live their own rules of morality instead of mine; which I hoped where a reflection of yours.  I want so badly to walk away.  NO, to have them walk away.    I have worked hard for what I have, I have struggled to pay my bills, have done without when I didn't have the money and have not had peace in my house with my husband due to our sons.

Do the same thing one more time: from this new paragraph, identify one sentence that speaks most powerfully, and use it to generate a new paragraph. What often happens in this exercise is that you get to deeper levels; you unfold the original thought. You can unpack a memory this way.

I have worked hard for what I have, I have struggled to pay my bills, have done without when I didn't have the money and have not had peace in my house with my husband due to our sons.  When is enough, enough?  When do I get to say I cannot do this anymore without feeling guilty?  Who has to hit bottom first, me or them?   Lord, your image of the Prodigal Son’s Father is a hard lesson to live up to.  At least in this story the son went out into the world to live his sinful life while the father sat home patiently and prayerfully waiting for the son to come to his senses.  What would you have done if he had said “hey old man /old lady you owe me, give me my inheritance now” and lived that immoral life right there on your land.  Is it better to be out of sight out of mind?  Or to think at least I know where he is?  Do I fear him living here, doing the things he is doing, expecting me to continue spending my money to take care of him?  Why am I worried what this will cost me?  This is his life and his messes.  Why does it seem like such a personal failure?  I know I made mistakes, looking at his choices now I feel as if I made many more than what I realize.  But when does he say this is my life and my choices and my responsibility and not my parents? 

Finish these sentences:

·        “The thing I wish I could forget is . . . and this is why.”

The thing I wish I could forget is my anger and disappointment for the way my sons choose to live their lives.  I would like to be able to see them without them wanting something from me.  To carry on a conversation about the everyday things without a tone of reprimand in my voice would be a good start.

·        “The parts of life hardest for me to remember are . . . and I think this is why.”

The parts of life hardest for me to remember are when my husband and I loved each other.  I am not saying we don’t love each other because we do and the 30 years we have spent going through everything together proves that.  It is just I miss the times when there were not constant battles over the boys or what the money was being spent on because of the boys.  I miss doing enjoyable things together, just him and I.  We don’t have anything fun in common any more.

·         “The memories I wish most people would hold on to are . . . and this is why I think that is so important.”

The memories I try to hold on to are of the love you feel for your child as you hold them in your arms dreaming of all God has in store for their life.  We do not know the whys or how comes of this moment in our lives or how God is using it for a time in the future.  We just have to hold on to the fact that children are a gift from God and he is using everything that is going on in their life both the good and the bad for a reason.  Lord, help me to trust you!

Prayer

Holy Spirit, help me remember what will benefit my spiritual growth. Help me let go of memories that get in the way of that growth. Help me use my own memories as I consider how my written words can help others move forward.

3rd Writing Assignment

Writing Exercises

§ Write two or three paragraphs about an intense time in your family: an illness, accident, or death; a relocation, a divorce, a time of great discovery (doesn’t have to be a negative experience). Write this as you remember it.

This past month, September 17, to be exact my brother-in-law passed away in Virginia Beach, VA.  We have sacrificed to make the trip up to see him several times before this fateful day; we being my husband, his sister and his brother and myself.  My husband comes from a family of seven and while three have already passed on; he has lost one brother eleven years ago, a niece, brother-in-law and sister-in law in the last five or six years I did not want him to feel as if he didn’t do everything he could to visit this brother who lived out of state.   When my brother-in-laws’s wife called to say the home health nursing care they had was recommending calling in hospice; we left the very next day to be there, show our support for her, and let him know he was loved. 

The two and half hour ride up was a bonding time for these remaining family members.  While one brother is recovering from a stroke earlier this year and admittedly is not the same person they grew up with, there was no thought of not including him on these trips north.  Stories were shared from their growing up years, their own families as they married and had children of their own, their difficulties of losing their spouses and parents. The return trip allowed us the time to reminisce about those who had already passed over and how they could best help this brother’s family go through these last days together without regret or anger taking over.  Memories, thoughts, troubles were shared but sometimes the silence was accepted without tension as each was lost in their own thoughts over the impending death of another family member.   

Friday, September 20, 2013 dawned bright, warm and rushed.  Eleven family members gathered at the sister’s house to travel north together to the funeral of the eldest son.  One car carried the remain living children of John Thurman and Fronnie Mae Hardison, another car carried the spouse and children of Donnie Hardison, a brother who passed on already, and the last car carried the children and their spouses of one of the remaining brothers, Danny Ray Hardison.    The time spent driving north this time was filled with talk of how is she (the newly widowed sister-in-law) doing, how are his children handling losing their father, and words of appreciation were spoken for the previous trips up they had taken together.   Knowing the day was going to be hard for it is never easy to lose a loved one no matter the distance in miles or time, these three gathered strength from each other.  The decision was made on the way up to take a back seat to the children of their brother for their hurt would take longer to heal; after all they had spent time with their brother and had been able to say everything they wanted to say on the earlier trips up to see him. 

Now, write about that same intense time—only try to write it from the perspective of another family member—a parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, cousin, etc.

I have been sick for a long time now, or at least it seems like a long time to me.  I was lucky in that I had time to prepare for I was able to look Death in the eye and know it was coming.  Eleven years ago I watched my brother die from cancer.  Death for him was quick and took him in a matter of months.  My daughter’s fight was longer.  I lost her to a drug overdose recently and as much as I wanted to be there in the end for her, I couldn’t.  Physically, I just couldn’t do it, my body was already weak and I admit I was too afraid to face Death that close up.   I know others think I failed her but they just don’t know everything.  That story will only be finished when I stand with her before God.  Now my brother, he knew how to do this dying thing right.   When he was told Death was coming for him, he went out and made all his arrangements.  I am trying to follow in his footsteps and do the same thing.  I have spent time making sure everything is taken care of, that I am taken care of the way I want it to be.  This way there can be no fighting over how it happens as It will happen my way.  It, Death that one thing I cannot control in my life.  I have tried so hard over the years, started several businesses, lost several businesses.  I never gave up; I would pick myself up and start all over again.  I was taught if you worked hard enough you could have everything you wanted.  I might not have had everything I wanted but I sure gave it a good try and I think I made a good life for me and Bev and the kids. 

I set up home health care so as my time gets shorter, I have help.  I do not want to go to the hospital; I wasn’t born in one and I sure as hell don’t want to die in one.  My brother, Donnie, and my brother-in-law, Charlie, died at home and I want to die at home too.   Besides in the hospital they just drug you up so you don’t know what is going on day in and day out.  I want to see the sun come up and go down.  If I want to set up and watch TV all night and eat fried chicken then I don’t want some doctor telling me I what I can or cannot do.  Who in the hell do they think they are anyway, I’m the one paying them to take care of me.  This time has been an unexpected gift I am not use to having.   Sun comes up has always meant time to get up and get to work.  This quiet time with my wife has allowed us to talk everything out; all the what ifs, could have been, should have been, we have brought them all out in the open and made our peace with them.  Wish I could do the same with the kids.  Oh they come and visit but I cannot bring myself to tell them about the regrets in my life.  Or the times I am sorry.  I don’t know if I would have changed anything about my life.  There are things I wished ended differently but I don’t think I would have done them any differently even if I knew . 

Bev tells me the nurse says it is time to call hospice in.  Hospice, well I guess that means my time is getting closer to the end.  Always knew I would lose in the end just didn’t think it would happen this soon.  I know I am dying now; my sister and brothers have walked in.  They live down home where I was born and raised and couldn’t wait to get away from.   I use to say the only way I would go back home was when I died and was buried there; hope they don’t mind that Bev and I decided on something different. 

*           *           *

It was good to see my family today.  They even took a picture, probably the last picture that will ever be taken of the four of us and we are holding hands.  We haven’t done that since we were…well I don’t know if we ever did that.  When you see that picture you will know what I think of this whole dying business.  

2nd Writing Assignment

Writing Exercises
§ Finish this sentence: “The last time I felt a truly intense emotion was [blank], and this is what I felt . . ."

Prayer

Jesus, you lived a human life and felt every emotion there is to feel. Help me receive my emotions as what they are—indicators of what’s happening inside me and keys to important memories and truths. When I try to escape my feelings, remind me that they are gifts, and help me stay in the moment.  AMEN

The last time I felt a truly intense emotion was standing outside of my church after having driven a group back  from a diocesan Chrism Mass and the feeling I had was of intense surrender to the fact that our pastoral administrator , a friend for over 14 years was leaving.  I was the driver of the church van and as we usually do we were singing on the way back from Raleigh to our home parish in Williamston.  We had been facing our pastoral administrator’s pending departure for over four years and it finally hit home.  This was the last time I would sing with her.  Now before you laugh, you need to know I have been told I cannot sing and have even been asked to move to the other side of the church by a person in our church that had a beautiful soprano voice.  She told me I made her sing off key and needed to move away from where she sat.  I moved and no longer sang. 

In the years of driving back and forth to meetings and the fact that our pastoral administrator loved to sing; as she use to say she who sings prays twice, I started to sing softly when she lead us during these trips.  It didn’t seem to matter if I sang off key.  I had regained enough confidence that I would sing the echo parts to some of our favorite songs, Our Father and the Gentle Women.  In the van we sang a cappella so I was getting pretty brave and was even heard to raise my voice to answer back her echoes in the songs when we sang them in church. 

This day, however, we had spent the day together and it had been a long day.  We were almost back to the church and we were singing Gentle Woman when tears welled up and my voice cracked.  When we arrived at the church, I hurried about getting everything unpacked from the van, put away what needed to be put up inside, and then said good bye to those I had spent the day with.  It was just my pastoral administrator (Sister Kieran) and I standing there as the others drove away.  The feeling that welled up and overflowed was of such loss.  I knew I would never sing with her again like we had on the way home that day.  I gave her a hug and said it has just hit me; you really are leaving this time.   

Two years ago, she had talked about leaving but for whatever reason God saw fit to rearrange those plans.  When she talked to us about staying for two more years, I had shrugged and said okay.  She asked me later about my reaction to the news of her staying.  I had just felt she wasn’t going anywhere then; there was nothing to think about her going or staying as she wasn’t going.  I never felt as much as she talked about it, planned it, and tried to prepare us for it, that it was going to happen.  Was I not allowing myself to think about it or was God telling me not to stress over it because it wasn't the right time yet, I don’t know.  The talk of it just never affected me one way or another; however that day, on the way home, in the middle of the song Gentle Women, I knew she was going.  

There was still time before she left, it was a few months away but there would never be another Chrism Mass together.  That part of our journey was over.  

1st Writing Assignment

Writing Exercises

• Describe an event that happened in your family—better to focus on something small that happened in a short time frame. But here’s the catch: write about that event only in terms of the colors, or the sounds, or the smells, or the textures . . . you get the idea. Choose one physical sense and focus on it to tell this little story.

Sunday I watched my son clean his outside club house/van/room on a sun filled fall afternoon and was amazed at the number of friends he was able to enlist in his efforts.  Not being part of the group doing the cleaning, I was able to sit back and watch the blue of the sky disappearing in and out of the different levels of fluffy white clouds.  The sunbeams varying in different shades of yellow streamed through any openings in the clouds enveloping with warm colors first this person and then another as they continued cleaning inside and out.   The sound of voices talking about what to bring out next, where do you want it, keep it or trash it would draw my attention back down to the green rolling carpet of the backyard being covered with furniture, rugs, and other household items. 

Soon the smell of the trash bags over came the natural earthy smell of freshly turned peanuts in the surrounding fields.  Now I understood the urgency of this cleaning.  The smells coming from the bags were strong and overpowering.  While trying not to interfere or say anything derogatory about the strong odor, I tried to figure out what could have caused this stench.  My son works hard but comes in to shower frequently so it could not be that.  Can’t be from his work clothes or even his shoes as he brings clothes in to be washed each week and air his shoes out each night.  Even week old gym clothes wouldn’t smell this bad. 

Then as if in answer to my question out came tumbling three multi brown, white and black four legged blurs tumbling over each other and everyone’s feet.  Shoe strings and pant legs were being pulled on, voices raised in laughter as others tripped over these chubby little balls of fur just begging to be picked up, cuddled and loved on.

When my son and his friends noticed me next I was sitting back down in my chair after having put a sign in our front yard that read:  FREE PUPPIES.

• Drink a beverage you don’t usually drink: if you’re not a coffee drinker, try a cup, just a few sips. Or, if you haven’t had lemonade in years, have some now. Notice any associations you make with the flavor; follow your thoughts and emotions as you allow the flavor to linger. Write whatever comes to mind.

I came in from a community outdoor concert and was chilled to the bone. Wanting to warm up quickly, I decided it was time for the first cup of hot chocolate of the year.  I put the kettle on to warm the water and went to change clothes while thinking how good this was going to be, rich milk chocolate with little marshmallows.   When I want to pamper myself, I take out my favorite blue rose china cup and saucer.  My mother and I bought this set of china to put in my hope chest many years ago when I was still in high school.  I don’t like to think of how many years ago and since I keep the china put up for special occasions it doesn’t get much use; except on days like today when I want to pamper myself.  Some days I use it for hot tea but today it will be hot milk chocolate with the little tiny marshmallows that float on the top and melt in your mouth as you sip that warm relaxing light brown concoction of chocolate.  I can hardly wait to hear the tea pot whistle as I brush my hair and remember back to when I use to get a mug of hot chocolate when I would come back from having played outside in the snow as a child.  Snow forts, snowball fights, snowmen building would have taken up the day until it was just too cold outside to continue playing and then I would come inside to that hot, steam rising, melted marshmallows piled high, cup of hot chocolate.  I don’t live in a part of the country where we get all that snow now but the memories are still strong of those childhood days.  Wait, what do I hear, got to go the tea pot and hot chocolate are calling me.

• Make a short list of people who have been significant in your life. Now meditate on each person, and choose a scent that you believe fits that person. It doesn’t have to make rational sense; this has more to do with your intuitive and emotional knowledge.

Mom- Charlie perfume

Grandma Kasper - baking bread

Mrs. Walker - roses

Mary Hugh - wet earth 

Kieran - cleaners

Richard Daugherty - burgundy wine

Prayer

Creator of the universe—and creator of me—please wake up my senses so that I can experience life on this planet more fully and vividly.

Writing Retreat from Days of Deepening Friendship

"From Women Growing Wiser" is the way Vinita Hampton Wright begins her video discussing her writing retreat in honor of her new book coming out. I have decided to take part in her On-line Writing Retreat. Feel free to join me if you please. The links to her blog "Days of Deepening Friendship" and the assignments are on the right side here under the My Blog List caption.


First assignment: Explain in one sentence how writing helps you.


Writing helps me to look at myself more critically but at the same time helps me to see the person God is helping me grow into.